Back in July, I embarked on a little road trip to the windy city to apply for The Bachelor. While I’m not on the next season, the auditions were an interesting experience to say the least. Since I’ll be following along this season from my couch instead of the mansion, I’ve decided to post recaps every week after The Bachelor airs. This week, with the limos and all of the welcomes, here are my top 10 do’s and don’t on the first episode of The Bachelor.
1. Quit the gimmicky animal obsession. While it’s funny for the first episode to learn ALL about your love for dolphins (or chickens on Ben’s seasons), learn from past experience and realize that it will only take you so far. Like episode 3 or 4 far… if you’re lucky.
2. A little mystery is good. Don’t tell him how you REALLY feel just moments after stepping out of the limo. Your friends think he’s shit? Save it to at LEAST episode two or a hometown date.
3. Just because The Bachelor has been on TV, leave your fan-girling to yourself. We all know you’re a little stalkerish even being on this show, but there’s nothing worst than admitting that at the rose ceremony.
4. LAY off the bad jokes. You’ve got balls (aka a nose ring)? You both have unfortunate last names? Awkward beard masseuse? Simmer down ladies, it’s not working. BUT the WORST, has got to go to the hot dog book. How much did you pre-drink in the limo?
5. Also, if you’re going to DRESS up on as a dolphin, be sure to know what a dolphin looks like. That’s clearly a shark…
6. Has Lace or some of the other drunken stumbling girls of our past taught you nothing? Slow down on the booze… while this love will not last a lifetime, these clips of your tipsy ass sure will.
7. And again, has Lace taught you nothing? Simmer down on the first night kisses and date interrupting. You have ALL season of trying to fight mono. May the odds be ever in your favour.
8. Girl. He’s just not that into you. If he’s not calling you back, give up. If you had a one night stand and he didn’t give you his number, give up. And if you’ve followed him all the way to The Bachelor, it’s time to file a restraining order cause this chick is cray. And you may not have wanted you to call, but you took it to the next level by showing up on the show.
9. Honey, I hate the break your bubble but sadly the first impression rose means little to nothing. He needed it to give it to someone, and the majority of them have crazy eyes so don’t go and buy a wedding dress quite yet.
10. Ladies, please do us all a favour and don’t cry if he sends you home after the first night. You’ve only spent is one drunken sleep deprived night together… life goes on.